This is something I have struggled to discuss. And although I feel a need, it’s not on the topic of travel or my kid. It’s not about van life goals or national parks. It’s about survival I guess… In the simplest of definitions, continuing to live in spite of an accident or difficult circumstances.
It’s been quite some time since 2016, that really shitty year when I lost my best friend and my dad to cancer, had an emergency c-section, and realized I was no longer fit to be someone’s wife. Grief sucks but it is manageable over time. And surgery incisions heal even if they hurt. By far, the MOST difficult healing process has been surviving an abusive relationship and the fallout of divorce.
I really wanted 2019 to be my year of telling my story, in full honesty and depth. And now, in 2020, I want to continue to become my authentic self . Perhaps I’m writing this to clear space. Or maybe in a hope that someone else will read this and see some similarities and feel inspired to get the fuck out. It’s not easy at all. And I felt like some bad ass bitch the whole 11 years I was with this person. I was working. I had my own place. I had my own car (several). I paid all the bills. I earned a fucking Master’s degree. I managed a household on my own. So you can accomplish all these things that to an outsider look like the result of determination and a solid support system.
And I’m here to tell you it’s all a lie.
Over the last few years I have had time to break down and build up again. I read lots and lots of articles. I talked to trusted friends. With all this work going on behind the scenes, I still find moments when I feel anxious or triggered…even within the last 4 hours. So I’m gonna try to break it down in therapist jargon and layman terms and give some concrete examples of the traumatizing shit people do to other people. And additionally, show you how I essentially enabled it from the start. I need to note here, none of this is ever the victim’s fault, even if we think and say it is. Even if we whole-hearted believe we did something wrong. WE DIDN’T. We were just conditioned to think that way.
Here we fucking go….
1. Grooming: I learned about grooming when I started social work. It is typically a term used to describe a person’s means of winning over another. I used to hear this all the time in cases of sexual abuse or exploitation of children. It’s why we hear about coaches or priests or youth ministers doing unspeakable acts and a child remaining quiet. Abusers carefully plan and plot ways to gain trust and rapport with their victims. For trafficking victims, it can be as simple as telling someone “you’re so beautiful! Have you ever thought about being a model?” Boom. Hooked. Especially for females in a society where we are taught to be insecure about our looks and our bodies. Next thing you know, you’re getting your nails done, you have lots of new jewelry and clothes, and the abuser is asking how you’re gonna pay them back.
My life didn’t look exactly like that. I remember getting flowers, roses, delivered early on to my work. Maybe a couple days after we met. I thought it was romantic. I thought getting called often or stopping by my work or being around each other all the time was romantic. And typically, I’m sure it would be. The next month should have been the red flags I needed to pay attention to, but I was wrapped up in all these sweet actions and moments.
2. Bonding quickly: I have seen memes lately that deal with people wanting to know more about their dating partners early in the process. Things that concern traumas, growing up, signs of healing, family. I’m here to say slow the fuck down. Bonding quickly can actually be a red flag in itself, someone trusting you with delicate information to make you feel special and important. Like you hold on to someone’s heart because now you know their secrets. That amount of responsibility up front is terrifying. In the first week of dating, I had already been claimed as his. We were out at a club one weekend, very early on. There was this scuffle on the dance floor. I was confused as to why this “dream guy” was fighting with some random dude. And then I learned his secret. He dumped everything on me as we drove away from the club. It was a lot to take in. Too much for me honestly. But I thought, “oh, he’s being open and honest with me. We are bonding. There’s no way he would have done those things. He’s harmless.” Oh Alex…. so naive.
3. Jealousy and controlling behavior: this is pretty explanatory. Sometimes we see jealousy as being cute, an “oh they care” moment. Or we play these fucked up games trying to make our significant others jealous. There’s a myriad of ways people show jealousy and control. This was something I didn’t see initially but over time it ate at me. I started getting resentful of his control over my life and hated how I felt. Early on, he would get jealous of friends, both his and mine. One time resulted in my throwing my phone across the street and walking home barefoot. Not my proudest moment. Later, his jealousy turned into full on control. He checked up on me at work. I had to call to let him know where I was at all times. I couldn’t eat certain things or drink coffee (which resulted in a lot of sneaked snacks). He went through my phone and called all the numbers. It came to a head when he threatened to fuck me up and drive my car with my dog inside off a cliff. You know the really fucked up part? I was so in love, I petitioned to get charges dropped. And I took him back. Cause “romance”.
4. Gaslighting: gaslighting is defined as psychological manipulation that forces a person to question their reality or sanity. It starts small, with everyday language, statements even I was guilty of using. After years and years of it though, you question everything. It started simply enough with statements like, “you’re too sensitive” or “it’s not that bad.” Then come the lies, hiding the truth, saying they told you something when they didn’t, pitting others against you. These got worse after my c-section, and even worse after my dad died. I remember going to a motorcycle show as a family. Something had brought up a memory or a sad thought in my mind as I was going through a lot of internal grief. In front of everyone, he told me I was crazy, yelled that I needed help cause I was crying. I had never been so embarrassed. Or angry. Or hurt. Until I discovered that he had called all of our mutual friends to tell them I had post-partum depression and wasn’t showing him affection (ie sex). Suddenly I was getting phone calls and text messages from everyone asking what was wrong with me and that I needed to seek help because I was grieving inappropriately. Folks….if your partner has lost a loved one three weeks after a major surgery, don’t bug them for sex.
5. Isolation/expectation: this bizarre thing happens in relationships where you find yourself wanting to spend more and more time with your significant other… Of course. Who wouldn’t? Abusers subtly (it’s almost an art) use this to isolate you from friends, family, co-workers, etc. I became the world to someone, so I chose that person over the others in my life. I believed that I was doing the right thing by giving up girl nights and coffee dates. I was serving him cause that’s what I was trained to do. I could tell you countless stories. And I cried when I realized that prior to flying back to Arkansas to say goodbye to my dad in hospice, my last visit with my family was in ???? I honestly don’t remember.
6. Blame: I got blamed for a lot. And I’m sure other people can pinpoint exactly the same thing. Many items of inconvenience became my fault because I was deemed incapable or young or emotional. Look…you are NEVER responsible for another human’s happiness or success. They are. You can cheer. You can support. You can share in their happiness and success. But never be responsible. I didn’t know that then and I do now.
7 “Playful” forced sex: I feel like this speaks for itself without my own need for detail. If it feels wrong to you, it probably is wrong.
8. Verbal abuse: this is defined as forceful criticising, insulting, or denouncing a person that results in harming their self concept. In my case it started small, which I think happens for lots of people. We hear comments about our outfits, weight, diet, driving skills, volume, voice (like literally the sound of your voice), not wearing make up. And on the flip side, there’s also praise when they talk about you to other people. But then they publicly yell at you and shame you. Shit is fucking confusing and you’re left wondering what to think about yourself. Even worse, you start believing what they say and go to great lengths to be the person they want you do be even if you a FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, ARTICULATE, CAPABLE BEING. And you all are. Remember that.
9. Threats of violence: ahh…. Revert back to #3.
No way all these things could actually happen??? Most definitely YES. In hindsight, with it’s 20/20 vision, it all happened. This would also be the moment when I comment that my real vision is abysmal. A lot of this I thought was cute in the moment. My 22 year old brain couldn’t grasp all that. My 22 year old brain had been trained to believe in bull shit movies like “Love Actually” or “The Notebook”. I was raised on Disney princesses being saved by a prince on a very short timeline with no mention of consent. The scenes and ideas I had grown to believe were romantic are actually examples of control and essentially domestic violence. I mean come on…. threatening death if a girl won’t go on a date with you? Fuck off.
It was only after leaving that I began to see the extent of the abuse. I get nausea setting any boundaries. I’m fearful for my safety at any given moment. I have anxiety and paranoia. As a result of chronic abuse, victims may suffer from PTSD or Complex PTSD. Now there are additional labels such as “Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome”. The aftermath of such abuse can look like depression, anxiety, hyper vigilance, a sense of shame, flashbacks, and overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. These are all the signs and feelings that clued me in. I couldn’t understand why I had all these horrible feelings and thoughts when I was out, because just leaving is only the first step.
When you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to define what you’re feeling. I was taught to not trust my feelings or my sense of reality. And right after that would be the most intense showering of love to make me feel wanted and needed again.
During those 11 years and the following few years, I experienced a lot of symptoms that were essentially survival mechanisms. I didn’t realize it until friends would ask me why I was defending myself over silly choices or why I was constantly looking over my shoulder or fully spaced out emotionally and mentally.
I hide a lot of myself from the outer world now, even as I’m writing on a very personal topic on a very public platform. There are parts of me that no one will ever see. Parts that are angry and disgusted and ashamed. And only recently have I allowed myself to start digging into my emotions and feelings again. Those were cut off a long time ago out of fear and shame.
I still am struggling with other symptoms such as mistrust, sacrificing my needs and health, self isolation, comparing myself to nearly 97% of all people, and fear of better things to come. And I also realize though that everyday is a chance to practice to get better. I set boundaries now which I never did before. I treat myself without guilt. I read and write and scribble and try my best to ramble to those that listen. I talk to myself a lot to offer affirmations and reassurance. It’s kinda funny when I write that out but it works. It’s a lot of brain rewiring. And it requires a lot of patience from people in your life as well as yourself. And those people that continually show me patience and love and support through this are miracles. Now I can work on putting all the pieces back together.